Thursday, September 26, 2013

Hilarious Craigslist Ad!

This is by far one of the funniest ads I've ever read! It was posted on craigslist a couple of days ago and started making its rounds on facebook when lo-and-behold it was pulled. Either way, enjoy it. Hope Google doesn't pull this. It is CLASSIC!


Big Fucking Tortoise Found

I found a BFT (Big Fucking Tortoise) at Queen Creek and Sossoman. It's an African Spurred Tortoise and weighs nearly a fuck ton -- like, more than your mom. this fucker weighs in at 41 pounds AFTER it takes a giant shit. It's shell is 16 inches long, but total of 19 inches long if you do like most guys and start measuring from the asshole and go all the way to the end of the head at it's most extended position. I don't know if it's male or female, but when it pisses it's like one of those helicopters dumping water on a forest fire. Except it's not cool like that and it's not on burning trees.. Instead it's pissing on my new decking and now my decking has giant puddles of white liquid stains all over it. He also loves to drop giant shit-bombs all over my yard. The quantity and size of the shit-bombs is impressive - like a perfectly shaped avocado - but does not smell nor taste nearly as delicious.
I suspected he was an African Tortoise because he LOVES watermelon. But then my neighbor told me he was African before I had a chance to run to KFC. But then it turns out he just likes most fruit. Apples, Bananas, Grapes. But I was hungry too so it's not like I can just give him all my fruit. He needs to find his own fucking food.. Or stop eating all organically and non-gmo, that shit gets expensive. But despite being African American, he's pretty nice and laid back. Hasn't tried to kill anybody and does not appear to have a stash of weapons or drugs. I think he might be slightly retarded, probably from all the gang-fighting when he was growing up in the hood because he paces back and forth along the wall and only seems to be able to make right turns. He'll ram his body continuously into the wall as if it's going to magically not be there each time. Maybe he's just a Nascar fan but I really don't know, I'd get him an outdoor TV so he could just watch other things going around in circles, but he'd probably destroy that too.
I need this out of my yard, he's tearing the fuck out of everything. My cats claw vines (that are finally starting to grow really good after 3 years) are torn to shit. Just put in a bunch of new drip lines, and the little fucker thinks he needs to walk over every single one of them. He catches them on his shell and drag it as far as possible till it snaps. And I Dunno who's gonna fish him out if he falls in the pool but the water's like 82 degrees and just a tad bit chilly for my taste. So it won't be me. Maybe if it was still August but it's not like I planned this shit.. So If you get him before that happens, it will be a happy day for all of us. If he ends up on the bottom of the pool I suppose I'll have no choice but to give a good honest effort at making Turtle Soup and then I'll invite the neighborhood over. We'll drink and get stoned and laugh and tell stories about all the things this little asshole ruined in my yard before he met Jesus. Looking on the bright side, it's a salt-water pool so it won't have that nasty chlorine aftertaste.
If you've always wanted a big fucking tortoise, but you don't want to buy the one on the corner and wait for 10 years for it to grow up and start tearing up your shit, now is your chance. A little bit of honesty. This guy is an asshole. He'll knock your fences over, push your gates open, drag shit around that he feels like is in his way. He doesn't give a fuck. He'll hiss at you when you try to be nice and give him food, and if you want him to stay over there he'll want to be over here. When he chews on labels from your landscaping, and gets the sticky paper stuck in his mouth, he'll hiss at you when you try to help him out and try to remove the paper. Ungrateful little fucking prick.
If this IS your Tortoise and he just got out of your yard, come get him the fuck out of mine. You deserve to be reunited and enjoy a lifetime of turtle companionship.
If this WAS your Tortoise and you let him out because you got tired of him tearing up all your shit.. Shame on you, you're a fucking asshole. These African Tortoises aren't native to AZ, they are considered an invasive species, and they are harmful to the ecosystem and the native Desert turtles. Come get him and do the right thing and take him to a shelter or the Herp-a-Derp-Etology society where they'll take care of it or find a new home. Or man the fuck up and deal with it, you should have thought this through from the start when you stopped by that pickup truck on the side of the road with a cooler and a couple cute little baby turtles.. Not so cute now is it. Asshole.
If this ISN'T/WASN'T your tortoise in the first place, but you want it to be, just come fucking get it. Tell me you lost it. Tell me stories about how it's been in your family for years and your kids were devastated to find out it was gone. Don't tell me you just thought it was a great chance to get a big free fucking tortoise. Don't tell me you left your gate open, you pathetic bastard.. Make up a stupid fucking story about how you went to work and when you got home the Tortoise had dug a big fucking hole under your concrete wall and escaped in the middle of the night. And that after you investigated you found that he had been stashing metal spoons under his pillow and had been planning the escape for months. That's how you get your fucking tortoise back.
And in summary, come get your fucking tortoise.

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