Saturday, June 21, 2008

The 12 Days of Christmas

The Twelve Days of Christmas

******************
December 14th

I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift.
I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes

******************
December 15th

Dearest John,

Today the postman brought your sweet gift. Just imagine ......... two
turtle doves! I'm just delighted at your thoughtfulness. They are just
adorable.

All my love,

Agnes

******************
December 16th

Dearest John,

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity .......... THREE French Hens!!! They are just
darling, but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,

Agnes

******************
December 17th

Dear John,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You are being TOO
romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes

******************
December 18th

Dearest John,

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings... one for
every finger. You are just impossible, but I love it. Frankly all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,

Agnes

******************
December 19th

Dear John,

What goes on? When I opened the door today there were actually six
geese-a- layin' on my front steps, so your back to the birds again, huh?
Those geese are HUGE. Where will I even keep them? The neighbors are
complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

******************
December 20th

John,

What's with you and these fucking birds? Seven Swans-a-swimming. What kind
of damn joke is that? There's bird shit all over the house and they
never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous
wreck. It's not funny, so STOP...OKAY?

Sincerely,

Agnes

******************
December 21st

OKAY, Buster,

I think I prefer the birds...what the hell am I going to do with eight
maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight
maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There's shit
all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off,
Smartass!!!

Agnes

******************
December 22nd

Listen Shithead,

What are you, some kind of idiot? Now there's nine pipers playing, and
Christ do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset, and they're
stomping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors are starting a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,

Agnes

******************
December 23rd

You Dirty Prick!!!

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call these sluts
"ladies". They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and furthermore, they have diarrhea. my living room is a river
of shit. The City Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to show
cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the cops on
you..........I mean it!!!

******************
December 24th

You DIRTY, ROTTEN, BASTARD!!!

What's with the eleven Lords-a-Leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of
those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through all the
maids, and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of
the birds are dead...they were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope
you're satisfied, you stupid fucking moron.

Your ETERNAL ENEMY,

Agnes

******************
December 25th

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which
you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes Crawford. The
destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you attempt to reach Miss Crawford at the sanitarium, the
attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter,
please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

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