Friday, January 18, 2008

.......

I honestly don't even know what to say. The wife and I got into a fight. This was a really bad fight and words were said that can't be forgotten. Feelings were expressed that I didn't even know were there. It was your typical fight that starts with bullshit. Bullshit that we all know exists with couples who are in love, but it's still there hovering over you day by day.

I love her. I try to show it when I can. I can't always express my feelings because that's the type of person I am, but she has to know that I am there and I care very deeply for her. She is not here right now as she needed to "work on her anger issues", but she says she'll be home at 7:00 PM tonight (it's now 6:23 PM). I've already told her I don't want to stay here all night. If she's not here, then I'm gone.

I don't know where I'll go, but I can't be here (in this house) right now. I need to leave. I thought it would be for critter food (for the animals) but now I'm not so sure. She thinks I'm capable of off'ing myself (I've mentioned it during bad fights in the past) and I've thought about it before, but it's not me and could never be me. It seems however, that she doesn't believe that.

They say fighting is good for relationships to last. As far as I'm concerned, whoever came up with that idea needs to be drug out into the street and shot in the head. It's not fun to fight, nor is it fun to possible lose the only person in your life that has ever cared for you enough to deal with all of your shortcomings.

Her life revolves around me plain and simple. She has always been there for me no matter what. She would do anything for me, and yet I seem to always find some way to fuck it up. Maybe my step-grandfather was right:

Maybe I am an asshole.

Could it be the smoking? I quit smoking in October and I haven't been the same person since. I've strived to stay away from the cigarettes and during that time I've been moody. I know it, she knows, work knows it, and everyone knows it. It makes me wonder if I should start again just to salvage my relationship.

I typically don't cry (for any reason, which includes my brother being shipped to Iraq), but right now I've got tears welling up in my eyes because I don't know the future, nor do I know the past. Her past - what she's been through. I just know how to take advantage of her. I am good at making her feel like she doesn't matter, or at least that's how I feel about it.

She has gained some weight since we've been together and she knows it bothers me. I don't say anything however because a) I love her and b) she has tried in the past to resolve that issue. That shows she not only cares about my feelings, but she cares about her own.

Right now I think I'm babbling so I'm going to stop. No I'm not going to mention what we fought about as it's nobody's business but her and I, but I will say it hurts to fight over small things. Making up is the best part typically, but I'm not even sure that is in the cards now or anytime in the near or distant future.

Thanks for readng.

-me

No comments:

About Me

My photo
There are (3) separate blogs here: Software, Firefox Addons, and my personal blog. Feel free to stick around and comment.